It’s not like we never wanted kids. We did. We often talked about it, but in our definition, we hadn’t been together all that long. Three years at that point. And we had our differences. Everyone does – but I felt like we needed a little more time to adjust to each other. Household issues, finances, „you’re stupid and don’t love me“ – typical stuff – not unsolvable but annoying.
In my mind, I had a specific sequence of things as they should happen in life: get together, move in together, get engaged, get married, have kids. Having a child out of wedlock (I’ll spare you the term for it) wasn’t my plan. And I like plans. It’s okay if they don’t go exactly as planned – but the direction or framework has to be right for me.
There I was, together, moved in, but not yet engaged. Something wasn’t right with me – a quiet little voice was saying so. I was permanently soooooooooooooo so so so so tired. I know what it feels like to be tired: but this was the endgame. It must have been due to Carnival – I partied all the days through. But getting myself going was such a chore.
After that, I was sick for 3 weeks – and that was good – I could sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep. When I was relatively over the worst of it, I was standing in the drugstore loaded with Vitamin Zinc plus C and seawater nasal spray and eucalyptus capsules in front of the pregnancy tests.
I had taken one in my life so far. Take one with you, I thought. It can’t hurt. When I got home, a strange curiosity grew – so I tried one out. Mats was away for the weekend anyway and couldn’t call me crazy. I threw away the instructions right away: it’s self-explanatory.
Disposable cup, urine, stick it in, and left it in the bathroom and put away my drugstore purchases. After I had tidied up, I went to the bathroom and looked at the test, and my heart sank. And at the same time, it started racing but somehow I also couldn’t breathe. There are 2 lines – like those COVID tests – wait, where are the instructions.
I ran to the trash can and frantically dug out the instructions and stared in horror at the pictures in front of me: 3 showing 2 lines and saying POSITIVE!!!!!
Fuckkkkkkkkk! Fuck – fuck!!! Mats is going to kill me! Fuck – that was planned for „sometime“ next year. It’s March – oh fuck.
I called my best friend. I didn’t expect her to pick up. She was at a concert. „Hello?!“ I heard on the other side.
„The test is positive“ I blurted out voicelessly – without her knowing which test I meant – I hadn’t shared with anyone that I had bought a pregnancy test or even planned to take one. It was an impulse buy – like suddenly needing glasses cleaning wipes at the checkout.
„Noooooooo!!!!!!“ I heard the joy in her voice „Do another one! Send me a photo! Which week?“
„I don’t know – Mats is going to kill me. There are two lines.“
„Get one with week determination quickly – call me again after – go now! And send me a photo!!!!!“
I did the second one in the pack and it also turned red on both lines immediately. I did as I was told, sent a photo, and ran back to the drugstore. I was like in a trance, like a ghost floating beside itself. Stood at the checkout with nothing else but this super unnecessarily expensive test and looked around nervously – „Payback?“ „No,“ I choked out „with card, please.“ The cashier looked at me with her glasses on her nose. I felt caught and naked – but ran away without the receipt.
At home, the test now said: week 3-4. whatever that means.
I called a friend who was on her way to me because we had plans. I would have preferred to cancel it. She was absolutely delighted.
I called my mother. She was always reserved with her feelings, but I knew she was bursting with joy and happiness „Well, if Mats doesn’t want to, we’ll raise it together!“ she said happily in response to my „Mats is going to kill me.“
I called Mats‘ sister. She was a midwife and training to be a gynecologist. She dropped everything and said she would be with me immediately. Whether she was happy, I couldn’t quite tell. It felt like she was doing her „job“. But I think in hindsight that she was very happy. After all, it was the first child in her/his and my family.
Okay, here I am. I have a strange unquenchable thirst. An unshakeable fatigue. I’m afraid of how my boyfriend will react, and everyone else is so so so so happy. It’s strange, isn’t it? This joy of others will last and reality will really kick me out.
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